Leo: You are a fabulous lion, so it’s your time to shine. It’s also around your birthday, which is pretty awesome. Remember to dress as flashy as possible for the new school year, especially if you are a first year and especially if you are a man. Thinking of rushing? Be sure to wear that bright pink neon polo to the first rush event. If you are a girl, gold sequins are the way to go. Everyone will invite you to their party to be their own personal disco ball.
Virgo: Sometime during the summer you found yourself stepping into the sunlight. Its warmth radiated off of your skin, leaving you feeling anew – like a virgin even! Determined to take advantage of your clean slate, you vowed that the 2015 school year would be the year of change. The stars and sun encourage you to try new things – rush the black frat, even if you are white, volunteer to be a nude model for an art class, even try beekeeping if you are feeling daring. 2015 will be the year of change. That is until you get bored.
Libra: The new school year will be disorienting. You may find yourself in the econ recitation, even if you are a computer science major. You will show up for events only to find out they don’t exist. You will go to parties, only to realize you know no one there. This is because you’ve been doing too many drugs. So stop that. Or don’t. I’m just the horoscope girl, not your mother.
Scorpio: Avoid giving advice to people during the new school year. Telling a first year to show off their balls the first day of class will only get them in trouble. Even if you are not trolling and have good intentions, people will twist your words and get you in trouble. That’s cause they’re idiots.
Sagittarius: It might seem like the first month of school is the least important, but if you slack during this time, you may find yourself fighting to catch up during the last three months of the semester. Instead of masturbating all the fucking time, read your textbooks. In fact, read them twice. You are not as smart as you think you are.
Capricorn: First impressions are really important this time of year. That time you farted in the elevator during move in? You might have been too distracted, but there were people in that elevator and those people will be in your class. I know because the stars say so. So anyways, you don’t want to be known as that person. So think before you do something gross or be prepared to have all your friends be nasty motherfuckers.
Aquarius: The month of school will be filled with minor inconveniences. You will always have to wait to use the bathroom; there will never be any toilet paper, and it will always rain – sometimes even snow – on your way to class. This is because you’ve been doing too many drugs. You’re in substance free, you say? Blame your prescriptions meds.
Pisces: You will see someone really cute in Carroll Hall. You will turn your head and they will be gone. You will see them in the quad, chat with them a bit, and get their name and number; however, when you look them up on Facebook, their profile doesn’t exist. You will look in the mirror and see nothing but ugliness and you will start to cry because no matter how hard you try, people who like you just don’t exist so you have to make them up. When you start to make people up, you become a little bit less real yourself. Once August ends, you will fighting to verify your existence, but no one will join your fight because in the end, no one cares if you exist or not. You are just the embodiment of other people’s insecurities.
Aries: Getting laid will be hard during the first month of school. There will be a lot of almosts. You will have a lovely person lying in your bed. You will be awkwardly touching their genitals, and then bam – the fire alarm will go off and you will fumble to get your pants back on. You will be in Davis library, you will see them and then two seconds later you will be naked. Then a book will fall on your head. They will lose interest because you can’t get your act together, as will the next person. That’s part of growing up – being disappointed in your inability to get laid.
Taurus: You will make enemies during your first week of class. You will be thinking about some really ugly person, you will make a face, and the person next to you will think you are looking at them. Yikes! This said bully will steal anything you leave out in the bathroom – your takeout from Lenoir, your used toothbrush, your dirty underwear. It will suck until they become your best friend. Then you will do everything together. Keep in touch so you can go to their wedding. There will be a ball pit and one of those parachutes from gym class and it will be amazing. So stay patient.
Gemini: People will start disappearing from your life. That loud guy from your econ 101 class – he transferred. That ginger afro guy – he dropped out. Your friends will make plans and forget to invite you, and your parents will not answer the phone when you call them. That is because they are on too many drugs. Isn’t unfortunate that you are most compatible with Libra and Aquarius? Maybe it’s time you found friendship in the other signs, like Leo with their disco ball dress or Aries…maybe you can even help them get laid.
Cancer: This year, back-to-school will be an even larger adjustment than usual. You will have to be extra careful to avoid offending people. Saying “What’s up, dude?” might lead to a 20-minute lecture on the wrongs of using sexists language. Commenting on someone’s profile picture might lead to angry messages and hate mail. Even if you happen to be a poor disabled transgender black lesbian, someone will find a way to call you a privileged piece of shit. To avoid conflict, stay away from Carolina Hall (formally Saunders), Silent Sam, and other controversial monuments on campus.
12 Back-to-school Horoscopes for the Typical Tar Heel