Libra: Your hopes of doing well in midterms have washed away with the rain. The only solace you can find is in the rain, swimming in the ponds around campus. The dirty water may not feel like your local community pool, but there is character that can be found in its unpredictability. You can find anything from condom wrappers, to frogs, to a soggy Accordance flyer someone forgot to throw away. Keep these treasures, for they may someday come in handy.
Scorpio: Don’t underestimate the versatility of newspaper. You will need these to stay warm when all of your clothes are set on fire thanks to the local dragon.
Sagittarius: After failing a few midterms, you may find yourself struggling to complete basic tasks, like making sure your fly is zipped in the morning or using the correct usage of there, their and they’re. This is probably because of the lobotomy the bio department gave you last week.
Capricorn: When Venus, Uranus, Neptune, and Planet Fitness align next week, you will have a surge of adrenaline – something you haven’t felt since you told your mom about your last pregnancy scare. However, unlike that time, this adrenaline will motivate you to go work out your gluts so that you can look good in that spandex costume you bought last week.
Aquarius: After sobering up after the first month of non-stop raving and day drinking, you have come to the terms that October is like dealing with the aftermath of a party. Even after a week of cleaning, you are still finding solo cups around your room, underneath your bed and behind your desk. No matter how much bleach and perfume you use, all your clothes still have that faint smell of booze. To deal with this problem, I recommend that you befriend Mr. Clean personally. You may not be happy inviting him into your house, but he can certainly help you with all of your mishaps.
Pisces: The first week you moved in, you seemed to be getting along with your roommate. However, over the course of this month, said roommate seems to be showing up less and less, and when they do enter the room, you never seem to be around. They never leave hairs in the shower, or socks on the floor. Eventually, you will wake up to find all their stuff missing, their bed blank and gray. Your roommate, like yourself, was a ghost, and your college, as progressive as it, prefers to enroll real students. Depressing isn’t it? Fortunately for you, the University of the Undead is accepting applicants.
Aries: You will want to carve a Jack-o-lantern this month, but every time you set out a pumpkin, someone smashes it to smithereens. No amount of Nancy Drew mysteries has prepared you for solving this mystery. I recommend that you use the smashed pumpkin bits to make some delicious pumpkin pies.
Taurus: You will feel a load lifted from your back – a relief from burdens. This is because you decided to drop the class with the 40-pound textbook.
Gemini: This past year, it seems like you’ve been short on your luck, and this month will be no exception. Notable events will include: a stray cat pooping on your bed, getting sick from eating bad meat, and ordering food and being delivered an empty bag. The only solution is to scour the campus for four-leaf clovers. Once you have enough for a necklace, laminate the clovers and wear it on your neck to ward off the bad luck.
Cancer: Loneliness will set in as your friends become busy with their on-campus jobs and extracurriculars. You will try to make more human friends, but they will be no different. To find solace, befriend animals, especially smart ones like pigs and dolphins. You may find piglets to be the perfect companion because they are always willing to play in the newly formed mud, they don’t drink your booze, and they are cute and tiny without the dander of kittens. In other words, buy a piglet!
Leo: You will find yourself in many annoying situations this month, like having to talk to Greenpeace or being handed flyers for events that don’t interest you. Between this and the fact that you turned into a Vampire this month, there is little reason for you to leave your room. Just remember: at least take advantage of all the free food on campus.
Virgo: You will find yourself bursting with energy this month. Use that energy in a positive manner instead of being that annoying dude that shows up to parties in a banana costume.
Happy Halloween, friends!