13 Weird Books You Won’t Believe Actually Exist

With Amazon’s new self-publishing system, authors can get their work out there pretty easily, even if it’s absolute shit or just plain weird. In an age of limited  censorship, audiences have access to any type of reading material. In this list I have compiled the most bizarre titles.

  1. Baby Jesus Butt Plug by Carlton Mellick III

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Synopsis: Step into a dark and absurd world where human beings are slaves to corporations, people are photocopied instead of born, and the baby jesus is a very popular anal probe.

2. Conquered by Clippy by Leonard Delaney

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Synopsis: Christie Aackerlund doesn’t need help with anything. So when the world’s biggest technology company offers to fly her to a remote location and investigate an alien artifact, all by herself, she’s all like “I’ll do it!”

But the artifact isn’t what it seems, and soon an overly helpful giant living paperclip is getting her all bent out of shape.

Conquered by Clippy is a 4,000 word short story featuring sexual situations with digital assistants. It’s for super mature audiences only.

3. Twerk Your Way to the Top by T.S. Zarathustra

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Synopsis: Tired of the cliches of traditional self-help manuals and schemes? Looking for a new path to spiritual, financial and romantic well-being and satisfaction? Enamored by the essence of twerking? Look no further.

This book will teach you the spirituality, philosophy, methods and science that has caused the rise to fame and power of Miley Cyrus and other legendary twerkers.

T. S. Zarathustra is proud to present to you his debut book, “Twerk Your Way To The Top”! A completely original personal empowerment manual for young professionals with tips and secrets with which even seasoned twerkers will be able to relate and improve their lives!

4. I Knocked Satans Daughter by Carlton Mellick III

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Synopsis: Jonathan Vandervoo lives a carefree life in a house made of legos, spending his days building lego sculptures and his nights getting drunk with his only friend–an alcoholic sumo wrestler named Shoji. It’s a pleasant life with no responsibility, until the day he meets Lici. She’s a soul-sucking demon from hell with red skin, glowing eyes, a forked tongue, and pointy red devil horns… and she claims to be nine months pregnant with Jonathan’s baby.

Now Jonathan must do the right thing and marry the succubus or else her demonic family is going to rip his heart out through his ribcage and force him to endure the worst torture hell has to offer for the rest of eternity. But can Jonathan really love a fire-breathing, frog-eating, cold-blooded demoness? Or would eternal damnation be preferable? Either way, the big day is approaching. And once Jonathan’s conservative Christian family learns their son is about to marry a spawn of Satan, it’s going to be all-out war between demons and humans, with Jonathan and his hell-born bride caught in the middle.

I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter is an adorable, violent, fantastical love story. A romantic comedy for the bizarro fiction reader.

5. How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer

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Synopsis: Intended for a specialized audience (the captains or operators of small private boats such as yachts and trawlers), the book gives advice on appropriate avoidance actions when confronted by the near presence of a large ship such as a freighter, along with anecdotes and background information such as the capabilities and operating procedures of the large ships. — Wikipedia

6. Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce

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Synopsis: It’s Monty Python meets Nazi exploitation in a surreal nightmare as can only be imagined by Bizarro author Cameron Pierce. 

In a land where black snow falls in the shape of swastikas, there exists a nightmarish prison camp known as Auschwitz. It is run by a fascist, flatulent race of aliens called the Ass Goblins, who travel in apple-shaped spaceships to abduct children from the neighboring world of Kidland. Prisoners 999 and 1001 are conjoined twin brothers forced to endure the sadistic tortures of these ass-shaped monsters. To survive, they must eat kid skin and work all day constructing bicycles and sex dolls out of dead children.

While the Ass Goblins become drunk on cider made from fermented children, the twins plot their escape. But it won’t be easy. They must overcome toilet toads, cockrats, ass dolls, and the surgical experiments that are slowly mutating them into goblin-child hybrids.

Forget everything you know about Auschwitz…you’re about to be Shit Slaughtered.

7. Pounded in the Butt by my Book “Pounded in the Butt by my Own Butt.” by Chuck Tingle

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Synopsis: Buck Trungle is a world famous writer who is sick and tired of living in the shadow of his own books. But when his most recent novel, “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt” contacts him out of the blue and threatens a lawsuit, it’s a fear that Buck must now face head on.

Buck’s novel is looking to collect royalties on sales of himself, and Buck’s lawyer is urging the writer to settle out of court, but when author and book finally meet face-to-face things take a turn for the erotic.

Soon enough, Buck is selling himself to seal the deal with this sentient novel, but can he give his ass away without giving a piece of his heart, as well?

This erotic tale is 4,500 words of sizzling human on gay book action, including anal, blowjobs, facials, rough sex, and litigious living novels.

8. Abraham Lincoln, Presidential Fuck Machine by Catherine DeVore

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Synopsis: Few people know that Abraham Lincoln was the greatest fuck machine of all time. His sexual prowess is unmatched in the history of American presidents. When he gets word of a nefarious plot hatched by the insane Emperor of Japan, he must learn to use his most potent power–the power of his cock!

9. Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? by David Evans

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Synopsis: “Does God Ever Speak through Cats?” is a book about Christian spirituality and cats. When David Evans moved into a new house in Los Angeles, he unwittingly embarked on two strange new journeys. One involved a totally new relationship with God. The other was focused on a stray cat that was living in the backyard. To David’s great surprise, he discovered that these two very different journeys were related to each other and had a lot in common. This is the book he wrote to tell that story.

10. Adolf in Wonderland by Carlton Mellick III

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Synopsis: In an alternate version of the future where Hitler had conquered the entire world during WW2 and developed society into his vision of utopia, an SS officer is on a mission to find and exterminate the last imperfect human on Earth.

Following his trail leads the young Nazi to a small town hidden in the middle of the desert, a place that has been cut off from society for so long that it has developed its own strange and disturbing culture. Thus begins Mellick’s dreamlike adventure that takes a young descendent of Adolf Hitler’s design and sends him down the rabbit hole into a world of imperfection and disorder, where even the laws of reality itself don’t seem to apply.

A tribute to both Franz Kafka and Lewis Carroll, Adolf in Wonderland is a perfect read for fans of the bizarro genre.

11. Cum for Sasquatch by Catherine DeVore

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Synopsis: When Emilia is contracted to spend the weekend camping in the mountains on a journalistic search for Sasquatch, she never imagined she might actually find him. Expecting to spend her days relaxing in the sun, Emilia is astonished to find multiple traces of the elusive creature. When she finally encounters the Sasquatch himself, Emilia is about to discover that the mythological beast is real, he has all the desires of a human man, and he gets what he wants. Can Emilia survive the rough, sexy encounter with a monster that’s truly larger than life? WARNING! This 3,000-word erotica short story is for adults only and contains graphic descriptions of sex at the hands of one horny Sasquatch!

12. My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie

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Even though My Immortal is not a book and would make any publisher cringe from its incomprehensibility, it’s definitely weird enough to be on the list. Teenager Tara Gilesbie takes the well-established Harry Potter universe and twists it to fit her own desires. By desires, I mean that everyone shops at Hot Topic, hates the preps and is super goth. In the first couple chapters main character Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way fucks Draco, slits her wrists and flips on off plenty of preps. Some golden gems of writing include,

“Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.”

“Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”

By the end of the story, Gilesbie apparently forget how to English and the writing dissolves into complete gibberish. However, despite it’s shortcomings My Immortal is worth reading, even if it’s only to feel better about yourself.

13. Pounded by Pluto by Leonardo Delaney

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Synopsis: “I don’t want to live on this planet any more.” It’s a common thought after seeing what ridiculous crap gets published on the Internet. Well, astrophysical adventurer Tyson DeNeil Grassbone is taking it literally and moving to Pluto, which can’t be any worse than Earth.

He’s in for a surprise when Pluto wants to engage in a little seismic activity. The only question is: wait, what? How?

Pounded by Pluto is a 5,000 word short story with universal appeal. It kicks off the epic space opera of Leonard Delaney’s The Planets.

Author: Kristi

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