FX’s animated spy comedy Archer is infamous for its snarky dialogue, clever writing, and precise use of irony. Any true Archer fan knows the challenge of narrowing down a list of the show’s best quotes, but we have compiled a list of what we believe are 14 of the best Archer quotes:
1. “Damn you tinnitus! You cruel mistress!” –Sterling Archer
Truly a plague of the worst kind.
2. “Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.” –Mallory Archer
The appropriate response for anyone who disrespects your carpet.
3. “I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck. But I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The tactleneck!”—Sterling Archer
Add “Fashion Designer” to Sterling Archer’s resume under “World’s Best Spy” and “Chef.”
4. “The train dwarf was real, and he looked right at me with his dwarf-y eyeballs!” –Cheryl Tunt
Probably not the most legitimate excuse for being late to work.
5. “Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here gobbles it all up.” –Mallory Archer
As great as this quote is, something tells me that Elmo wouldn’t approve of his friend’s defamation in this manner.
6. “If I stop drinking all at once, I’m afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.” –Sterling Archer
This is a valid concern many college students can sympathize with.
7. Cheryl Tunt: “It tastes worse than it smells!”
Pam Poovey: “Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that, I’d have eight nickels.”
I’m sure Cheryl would pay much, much more than $0.40 to avoid continuing that conversation with Pam.
8. “For I am a sinner at the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.” –Sterling Archer
Not too sure how my pastor would feel about this prayer, but that won’t stop me from trying it Sunday morning.
9. Cheryl Tunt: “Yeah, what does a blimp do, Pam?”
Pam Poovey: “Uhhh, kick your skinny ass?”
Exhibit A of prime snarky banter between Pam and Cheryl.
10. “Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that’s my fourth biggest fear.” –Sterling Archer
Right after alligators, crocodiles, and brain aneurysms.
11. “So once again you’re left with the classic Irishman’s dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?” –Mallory Archer
St. Patty would definitely not approve.
12. Sterling Archer: “Can I call you Lem?”
Lem Kane: “Of course you may, absolutely. But it’s actually pronounced ‘Dr. Kane.’”
This witticism needs to be on deck for use at any moment of the day.
13. Cyril Figgis: “What do crocodiles eat?”
Sterling Archer: “Everything! They eat everything! And fear is their bacon bits.”
One can never be too safe from the ever-lurking terror of those dastardly crocs.
14.Cyril Figgis: “I’m not sure that’s technically irony.”
Sterling Archer: “What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby a named it this exact situation.”
Imagine the baby shower for that theoretical child.