Anyone who has seen the incredibly inappropriate but acutely satirical show South Park is familiar with one of television’s most iconic characters of all time: Eric Cartman. The “big-boned” fourth grader has been wreaking havoc in the imaginary Colorado town for seasons, but for those who may have missed Cartman’s misadventures, here are the 9 best Eric Cartman quotes:
1) “Respect my authoritah!”
This quote is almost as legendary as Eric Cartman himself, as he continuously uses it throughout the series anytime he is placed in a position of power. Cartman’s been making peasants bow down to him with this line since the episode “Chickenlover” of season two, so there’s no way we could make a list without including this quote.
2) “I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.”
Cartman says this pious quote as part of his Christian rock band “Faith+1” in the episode “Christian Hard Rock.” As great as this line is, I don’t think many people will be hearing it during Sunday service anytime soon.
3) “Well I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas—an Ultra-vibe Pleasure 2000.”
As much as he deserves to be on Santa’s naughty list, getting just coal would be way too sweet for the maniacal Eric Cartman.
4) Garrison: “How would you like to see the school counselor?”
Eric Cartman: “How would you like to suck my balls?”
Viewers might want to watch the entire episode to understand the context of this exchange (WARNING: hilarious string of expletives precedes these lines), but regardless, this is a prime example of Cartman’s witty rhetoric.
5) “Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohh, the tears of immeasurable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”
Any true fan of the show knows that Cartman said this during one of his greatest victories: making Scott Tenorman physically eat his parents. If he hasn’t won you over by now, there isn’t a humorous bone in your body.
6) “No Kitty, this is my pot pie. NO KITTY THAT’S A BAD KITTY! MOM! KITTY’S BEING A DILDO!”
Cartman’s interactions with his cat are one of the most humorous recurring bits in the show, and this one is no exception.
7) “Kenny’s family is so poor, they took out a second mortgage on their cardboard box.”
Hopefully Kenny’s family has invested in some life insurance by now.
8) “I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me, I’m gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.”
Ever the noble hero.
9) “I’m not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don’t intend to live in poverty. Give me your Jew gold now!”
Even at the brink of death, you can always count on Eric Cartman to make a scathing but hilarious anti-Semitic remark.